Parody of Catholic Church Response to Child Abuse

16 12 2011

VATICAN CITY—Calling forgiveness “one of the highest virtues taught to us by Jesus,” Pope John Paul II issued a papal decree Monday absolving priest-molested children of all sin. “Though grave and terrible sins have been committed, our Lord teaches us to turn the other cheek and forgive those who sin against us,” said the pope, reading a prepared statement from a balcony overlooking St. Peter’s Square. “That is why, despite the terrible wrongs they have committed, the church must move on and forgive these children for their misdeeds.” “As Jesus said, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,'” the pope continued. “We must send a clear message to these hundreds—perhaps thousands—of children whose sinful ways have tempted so many of the church’s servants into lustful violation of their holy vows of celibacy. The church forgives them for their transgressions and looks upon them not with intolerance, but compassion.” The papal announcement arrives in response to public outcry over the sex scandal sweeping the Catholic Church in theU.S.Though official church doctrine condemns such transgressions, the pope’s decision, observers say, is intended to demonstrate the church’s willingness to put the scandal behind it and restore the public trust. “By forgiving these children, primarily churchgoing boys between the ages of 5 and 15, the pope has shown true Christian kindness,” said Father Thomas O’Malley, a member of the New York archdiocese and one of the many priests implicated in charges of sexual activity with minors. “The pope is saying that, in their own way, these sinful youths are victims, too. Through their absolution, he sends the important message that empathy, contrary to what naysayers and critics in the secular media would have us believe, does have a place in modern Catholicism.” For Catholics waiting for the pope to break his long silence on the scandal, the sweeping, decisive nature of his response has come as welcome relief. “The pope has shown great love and compassion, much as Jesus did when he ministered to tax collectors and whores,” said Cardinal Bernard Law ofBoston. “Despite all they have done to jeopardize the careers of so many priests—to say nothing of imperiling the priests’ immortal souls—the church embraces these underaged seducers and tempters with open arms. The pope’s words and actions prove that the church is willing to put an end to the suffering and let the healing begin.” The mass absolution is being hailed by church scholars as one of theVatican’s most progressive acts since the Second Vatican Council in 1962. “One cannot overstate the break from tradition this represents,” said lay administrator Bruce McConnachie of theLos Angelesarchdiocese. “After all, under church doctrine, the act of seducing a priest is considered a grave sin against the laws of God, punishable by condemnation to Hell for all eternity. But the pope has put all of that aside. He has let bygones be bygones. For this, all of those misbehaving, sexy little guys should feel grateful. By showing such willingness to forgive and forget, the pope has sent a clear message: Even though these boys have done much to undermine and subvert the priestly vows of celibacy, they are still deserving of God’s love.” Margaret Leahy, 39, aSomerville,MA, homemaker and mother of one of the alleged seducers, expressed relief over the pope’s announcement. “For months, I feared that my boy—and the dozens of others who committed sinful acts with Father Halloran before he was moved to the safety of another parish to protect him from further temptation at their pre-pubescent hands—was going to Hell for what he’d done,” Leahy said. “It’s the worst feeling a mother can know. But thanks to the forgiveness of the pope, my long nightmare is finally over. He was just a boy of 8 at the time. He didn’t know any better. Thank you, your Holiness, for giving my poor little Timothy a second chance at redemption.” However, not everyone within the Catholic Church is so supportive of the pope’s actions. “What kind of a message is the pope sending today’s children? That it’s okay to seduce priests?” said one concernedBaltimorepriest who asked to remain anonymous due to a pending court case. “With the pope’s announcement, the church is essentially telling its youngest members, ‘Go ahead and let Father So-And-So reach into your swim trunks at the church-youth-group pool party. It’s okay, the pope will forgive you in the end.’ Without fear of eternal damnation, how are these provocative young lotharios ever going to learn?” “As the creep of secular humanism continues to chip away at our most sacred institutions, the Vatican has established a dangerous precedent,” the priest continued. “We look to the church’s authority for justice and righteousness, not politically convenient solutions that maintain the status quo. These nubile sinners should be held accountable for the damage they’ve done.”

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Happy Birthday Laura!

15 12 2011

In some ways this will be easy to write because I love you and it is simply a matter of documenting a few of those things.

In other ways this will be difficult to write because (for me) a birthday is just another day in a long string of days (hopefully).

So let’s begin by celebrating who you are, and why you mean so much to so many people. To me, you are my rock, my best friend ever, the one who stays by my side through thick and thin (and there has been a lot of thin). You are compassionate and caring, loving and sweet, generous and giving, kind hearted and gracious, the perfect companion, and my soulmate.

You were a fabulous daughter for your mother, and I am sure she would echo all of the sentiments I listed above. You were the best friend she had, and the countless hours you spent together are a true testament to that.

Your two daughters, easily our best accomplishment together, both love you and think the world of you. I talk to so many parents who never hear from their children, and hardly a day passes when you don’t talk to each of them. You have so much to be proud about!

Today when you are celebrating your birthday, I hope you can take a few seconds and reflect on what your life has meant to all of us. And I didn’t even cover but a few close relatives. You are loved and appreciated by so many more.

I hope you have the best birthday ever, and many more to come!





Best Use Of Local Products Ever!

14 12 2011

You WILL feel guilty eating this, but it is worth whatever price you must pay for the experience.

Ingredients:
One half dozen fresh cinnamon rolls
One pint Vietnamese Cinnamon Ice Cream from Christopher Elbows Ice Cream Store
One pint Roasted Apple Ice Cream from Christopher Elbows Ice Cream Store
Caramel Ice Cream Topping
One can Apple Pie Filling

Cut cinnamon rolls into approximately 1/4″ cubes and layer in large baking dish. Pour caramel topping to taste over the chopped cinnamon rolls (I use a lot, but fat and sugar free).

Thaw the ice cream and mix together with a wire whip or a food processor. Pour ice cream mixture over the entire dish to cover, sprinkle with cinnamon and allspice to taste, cover and refrigerate for two hours for rolls to absorb the flavors.

Bake at 350 degrees, allow to cool on a rack for about 15 minutes and serve. I have no idea how many this serves – there is never any left!





Whiny Whiny Whiny

13 12 2011

I know damn good and well I have no reason to complain. My lifestyle is awfully great, especially in light of the 99.9% of people who are in dire straights instead of my minor discontent.

My major problem is work, and yes at least I am employed. We opened our company 10 years ago with no pay (because that’s how starting a new business usually works.) Within one year we were not only paying ourselves, but had insurance, a small business retirement plan, and began to hire other employees. Life was sweet!

The economic downturn did not affect us too horribly until this year. My business partner handled money very well, and we tightened our belts to weather the storm. However we appear to be back on the ropes again. Our expenses outweigh our income (largely due to a city entity defaulting on a large sum of money that they feel was a risk we should absorb rather than their organization). That is a whole other story however.

The biggest problem I am facing now is that I am bored with the BS part of my job, the fun is not there anymore, my enthusiasm is gone, and I don’t know how to rekindle it. I am very good at what I do, and I absolutely love my clients, but work is drudgery, annoying and completely unexciting. I know that’s why it’s called work and not vacation, but less than three years ago, I could not see a distinction between work and vacation.

Perhaps it is time to retire – I really don’t have that answer yet. I realize this is a very dull blog, but this one I am writing for me.

I am not sure how I’ll get out of this blue funk, and my heartfelt apologies for so many of you who wish this was the biggest problem you were facing. I think we all have some kind of cross to bear, and although mine is an awfully small cross, it feels very heavy and is extremely annoying. I wish all of you the best in the burdens you are carrying, and sincerely hope this does not come across as too much self pity. Each and every one of us deserves better – I hope you all find it!





How To Behave

12 12 2011

Lately every time I pick up a magazine, newspaper article, or more likely read a post from social networks, I find countless tips on etiquette, proper attire, how to behave in every possible scenario I might encounter.

I feel like I have time-warped back to the Fifties. One article insisted that if the invitation calls for “Business Casual” one should only consider dark slacks, a jacket, and a suit coat (khakis were listed as a definite no-no.) Ties were listed as optional.

It was also suggested that if you were not close friends with the host(s), you should research what type of gift to bring as a thank you for the invitation. If you find the host(s) like wine, that would be appropriate – if they enjoy sex toys that require the use of a car battery to operate, I assume that might be a welcome gift – if they are animal lovers, a small petting zoo would be a thoughtful present.

My personal complaint about the revival of new politically correct rules of etiquette is very simple. I don’t give a rat’s ass about what I am supposed to do, or not supposed to do. I don’t need these rules. I think I have enough sense to not bring a menagerie of animals for a gift, and I have never appeared at an event in Underoos.

The fact that people need to follow instructions about their behavior indicates that social networking could eventually take us back to the stone ages. Do we really need to know what not to say; what not to talk about; and how to act around other humans?

I think the answer might be “yes”. I am going straight to Google right now to brush up on my interpersonal skills. I hope I have at least a couple left. Until then, talk among yourselves. A few suggestions: the weather; whether Michael Bolton has the greatest voice ever; where can you still buy Underoos? These topics should keep you busy until it’s time to say goodnight (assuming that is still the correct thing to do.)





MOM

22 09 2011

This does not count as a blog, but it is an apology to those few who read this stuff.  My mother passed away on August 23, and I have simply not felt like writing anything since then. 

However, I do have an obligation to write a blog every week, so to complete my promise to myself, I still must post 9 more blogs by the end of the year, and I fully intend to do so.  If any of you have missed me, I am fine and just buried in work (probably a good thing).  Look for new and possibly more politically incorrect blatherings soon – I also have a few new recipes to share so bear with me, I will return soon.  Thanks for your thoughts – all is well and good.   

 





Gingery Sweet Potatoes

22 08 2011

Gingery Sweet Potatoes.