A Bit Fishy

23 01 2011

This just in from the EU Reporter:

Wed, 12 Jan 2011

Each year fisheries ministers from across Europe agree how much our fishermen can catch. The system means that they are forced to throw healthy fish back into the sea dead if it is above and beyond their quota allowance.”

Once again, Europe has scooped the rest of the world by learning how to make dead things healthy. We have long wondered why the French can smoke all day long and yet have better longevity than we. Italy is constantly touting the health benefits of drinking wine day in and day out – they too live longer than Americans. God only knows why the British outlive us.

As the most powerful nation in the world, the United States of America should lead the world in releasing dead fish to the wild. If these fish are perfectly healthy, they should be allowed to be dead – just like anything else.

We put the first man on the moon. We have purple mountains majesty. We use two slices of fried chicken as a bread substitute for a bacon and cheese sandwich. We lead most of the world in every category but one: our fish are not considered healthy if they are deceased.

This cannot be tolerated. We now lag behind China in production. We are far behind the Japanese in electronics. And now Europe has us by the short fins in the healthy dead fish arena. Let our fisheries unite to combat this menace. Our fish must somehow be certified by the government as both perfectly healthy and completely dead before we throw them back. Not only will this allow us to stand proudly amidst our international brethren, but will afford us an opportunity to create yet another government agency. Any American will tell you that you can never have too many government agencies, or too many other healthy dead things.



17 01 2011

White Chocolate, Coconut M&M, and Macadamia Nut Cookies


2.5 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup (packed) dark brown sugar
1 cup granulated sugar (or Splenda)
2 large eggs
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups coconut m&ms – (3 1.5 oz. packages)
1 1/2 cups white chocolate chips (about 8 1/2 ounces)
1 cup coarsely chopped roasted salted macadamia nuts (about 4 1/2 ounces)


Preheat oven to 350°F. Mix first 3 ingredients into medium bowl. Using electric mixer, beat butter in large bowl until fluffy. Add both sugars and beat until blended. Beat in eggs, 1 at a time, then vanilla extract. Add flour mixture and beat just until blended. Using spatula, stir in m&ms, white chocolate chips, and nuts. Drop dough by heaping tablespoonfuls onto cookie sheets, spacing 3 inches apart. Bake cookies until just golden, about 18 minutes. Cool on wire racks. Makes approximately 2 dozen cookies.

Huge plug here for Coconut M&Ms – they are difficult to find so buy plenty when you see them. Check out the website at M&Ms – yu can even find them on eBay!

Entertainment for KCRiverFest

10 01 2011

Would we consider it? Of course we would!

Plans for the 2011 KCRiverFest are coming together and we are looking for great ideas for entertainment. The focus is on family entertainment, which puts a damper on some possible activities (biting the heads off of bats on stage probably a no-no), but Baby Jumping? Hmmmm.

Some suggestions so far:

Bathtub Races on the Missouri River

Floating Hole in One Golf Green with Bio Degradable (Fish Food) golf balls

Cirque du Soleil on the water

Spouse Carrying Contests

Cherry Pie Eating Contests

These are just a few of the goofy ideas floating (pun intended) around. Have something better – let us hear it! The stranger the better! The only criteria we have is that it must be safe (ok, so maybe the Baby Jumping idea won’t work), but it is worth discussing.

Let us know your ideas – hope to see you there!

R U Evolving?

5 01 2011

Is this
the face of our next evolutionary step? Judging from recent emails,
texts, and even resumes (yes, resumes!), we are utilizing our
tongues and mouths less and less, and our thumbs more and more. By
the year 2300, we should all have grotesquely oversized digits on
our hands, and practically non-existent mouths. From an
evolutionary point of view, what we fail to use for living will
eventually “breed out”. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but
IM will never hurt us. Abbreviations will be the new English,
thumbs the new vocal chords. Technically speaking we may still use
our mouths for kissing, and we will almost certainly still suck,
but food can be absorbed by osmosis, and emotions can be
transmitted via text and emoticons. I have seen resumes with
response websites listed as imreadytowork.com. I have seen texts
with the heartwarming I ❤ U message. As an old school (read
old) "English" major, this is the linguistic
version of extremely graphic and disturbing porn. Should I be
worried that I will be dismissed by readers as obsolete, out of
touch, decrepid, decaying? Probably not – anybody bothering to read
this still speaks a language. Anyone reading this can probably
still communicate without using a keyboard or touchscreen. But
reader beware, the human race is evolving. Maybe not us, but our
children, and their children's children. Archaeologists
millions of years from now might debate exactly when our unusual
race detoured from boring and pedestrian thumbs to the magnificent
appendages they will become. Visitors from space might surmise from
our skeletal remains that we were once a race of super-hitchhikers,
and hopefully will find the Douglas Adams books to back up that
theory. Gotta run – I ❤ U – U R 2CL. Before I go, please
honor my one last request: DNR.

2011 Alert

3 01 2011

As the man said “wait till they get a load of me”.

Well, you’re about to get a load of something. I have committed to WordPress to write in my blog once weekly at a minimum. I rarely have anything valuable to say in the course of a month, so now I can spread the BS more thoroughly and without provocation for an entire year. Who knows, maybe my writing will improve? For all of your sakes, I certainly hope so.

I guess I should copy and paste the next and final line for today – see you next time!

New Years Resolution

2 01 2011

It’s that time of year. Time for reflection. Time to reassess values. Time to turn over a new leaf. Time for resolutions.

This year I fully intend to fulfill my resolutions. 100% completed – no excuses. With this in mind, I turn my attention to all of you. Although I am nowhere near perfect, I have resolved for you to change instead of me. This sounds pretty self-serving, but it will be easier for me to track and enforce.

Not interested? Let me remind you that it is easier to give than to receive. This way I can complete my obligations while paying it forward (I think we can all agree that you could use some improvement.)

Let us start by your promise to eliminate these phrases from your vocabulary: “ah-aight”, “that’s what she said”, and “I’m just sayin'”. Cute for a little while, but I am sick of them (more to follow).

This should be a great start for our next year together. I can’t imagine that you will have time to make your own resolutions, but if so I can’t wait to hear them. Not that it matters – happy new year!